From the Zeta City Tribune (February 6, 2014 evening edition)
It’s been a busy day on the streets of Zeta City. Reports of new heroes patrolling our streets—all of whom are here in response to the “Heroes Wanted” ad placed by The Champions of Zeta City—have been confirmed by multiple sources.
The first to be sighted is being referred to by witnesses as a “Giant Giant,” and made a sizeable first impression by putting out a fire in midtown by stomping on it and not long after by literally applying a boot—a size 100 boot, to be precise—to a number of illegally parked vehicles.
Later in the financial district, a hero calling himself Captain Millionaire successfully trumped a white-collar scandal and then, no more than an hour later, was spotted throwing out handfuls of currency from atop Freedom Tower while screaming, “I’m makin’ it rain like Robin Hood.” Though it could be argued his heart was in the right place, his random act of philanthropy caused massive traffic jams as commuters poured into the streets to grab as much of the cash as possible.
Then, as evening fell on Zeta City, news came in of yet another hero who was making his presence known. Referring to himself as Night Knight, this vigilante has been spotted holding doors for all the single ladies of Zeta City, while also taking it upon himself to use his unreasonably rehearsed British accent to chastise any able-bodied man in the vicinity who wasn’t showing the women the same courtesy.
But perhaps the most troubling of the day’s reports was when word arrived of a previously unknown villain named the Rubber Genius terrorized Zeta City Community College by repeatedly insulting students in the science building while he was simultaneously dunking on the basketball team in the sports facility with what appeared to be an elastic hand. While this kind of odd assault isn’t uncommon in our fair city, what had to be seen to be believed was when Zeta City’s three new “protectors”—Giant Giant, Captain Millionaire, and Night Knight—arrived on the scene as well, and instead of taking on Rubber Genius, they ended up fighting among themselves to see who got the “privilege” of slapping the cuffs on the sinister, stretchable smarty-pants. When pressed for comment, the only hero who had anything to say for himself was Night Knight, who threatened this reporter with a pillowcase full of bricks and challenged me to a duel at midnight in Zeta City Park.
So who are these new heroes? And do The Champions of Zeta City really need them? Thus far, citizens, this reporter is only convinced that they cause as much trouble as the crimes they are out to stop. More details on the new heroes invading our fair city as it comes in!